thoughts and thoughts
I think I need to start looking at new jobs and somewhere to live… We still haven’t had a proper chat but bits and peace’s said. I’m so upset by this, I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me, why I’m never happy for long? Am I like mum? Am I just not happy if there isn’t some drama in my life? Am I like that? I hope I’m not but starting to think I am. Why can’t I hold a job? Why am I not content with just having a job, somewhere to live and be?
then something else happens when I think too much.
Was it all me?
I’m sure everyone must think this at some point in this life, or maybe just everyone who is as fucking self centered as me.
was it all my fault? I AM the common denominator…
you think back through life, was it my fault mum kicked me out when I was 11? was I doing the same thing i’m doing now? and have I always been doing it? was it my own fault that my dad got so stressed out when I lived with him that he got a stomach olsa? am I actualy the cause of all that fighting and all that unpleasentness when I did live with him? they say I was…
my own fault he cares more about a woman and her kids who bearly spoke the same language as him? did I make there life so hard that they had to remove me as a matter of sanity? was I already so bad at 17 yrs old and not even see it? I must still be like that then, how do I fix all of my life… from the start I’ve been takeing one step forward then falling down a great big fucking cliff. what am I doing what do I want how do I get it?
I want to act, really that’s all I want, but I know i’m not good enough, i’m not good enough i’m not pretty enough, i’m too fat and I don’t have the self control to loose weight, even if I did loose weight would I feel any prettier? be any prettier? would I even want to act if I could get a job and if I did, would I still want to be doing that after a month? or would I hate that too?
and then were would I be what would I do?
I tern 21 this year and i’m still in debt, still living week to week, still no car or licence. still clinging to any job I can get and any place I can find to live.
and its all my fault, everything I did to this point right here right now has led me to this exact moment and thought.
I fucked my life up and I don’t think i’ll ever get to fix it.